How to Control a Conversation with a Single Word

How to Win Friends and Influence People was an overnight hit, and went on to sell 15 million copies.  The book’s author, Dale Carnegie, says financial success is due 15 percent to professional knowledge and 85 percent to "the ability to express ideas, to assume leadership and to arouse enthusiasm among people." He emphasises the crucial component of making people feel important and appreciated, and explains the fundamental techniques for handling people without making them feel manipulated. Carnegie says you can make someone want to do what you want them to by seeing the situation from the other person's point of view and "arousing in the other person an eager want." He says, "Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers" and "talk about your own mistakes before criticising the other person."

I’m sold.  In fact, I just got my copy yesterday.

The most interesting thing about this book for me however, isn’t the topic of this landmark publication, but the fact it was published in 1936.  It would appear the basic fabric of human psychology hasn’t changed much in 80 years.

Fast forward to 2015.  It is the Wired 2015 conference at London’s Tobacco Dock and Elizabeth Stokoe, Professor of Social Interaction at Loughborough University, is talking about her work—conversation analysis.  She is explaining the incredible amount of detail researchers like her go into when trying to decode human speech, understand what people are actually saying to one another, and how you can predict -- and even control -- conversation.

The samples of recorded conversations Stokoe shares are transcribed so precisely that they include the natural stammers, pauses and verbalised breaths that we subconsciously make. Even silences as short as seven tenths of a second are marked, as they can still indicate potential changes in direction of conversation. Such detailed analysis can help train people to communicate more effectively.

What she and other researchers found in their research was knowing the right words can let you steer conversations to your liking. In fact, there's one word that Stokoe showed can totally change people's minds. Playing samples from callers reluctant to use a mediation service, those unwilling to engage with the mediation instantly reversed their stance when asked if they would be "willing" to try it out.

"What we've found is this word, 'willing', seems to be the word that gets the most positive response from callers," Stokoe says. "And we've found that only 'willing' gets a complete turnaround from no to yes."

It may seem obvious, but often the people that most desperately need to influence people (employees, their team, children, board members, etc), are the ones that are stressed out and don’t have time to mince words or think about phrasing things delicately.  Ironically, they would have more time and get better results if they did. 

So whether you are en route to be the leader of the free world, wanting to sell something, or just trying to get your kids to go to bed—perhaps you might be willing to read How to Win Friends and Influence People and gain some top tips.  :) 

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